I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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