plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
