you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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