What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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