Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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