Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pants are for mortals
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
