that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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