I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize