Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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