I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We just shotgunned beers for America
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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