I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
