This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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