My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
