So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
