they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
