Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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