Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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