when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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