I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
