I should be sponsored by Trojan
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
