The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
