Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
