Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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