so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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