just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
