there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
