I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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