i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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