it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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