Capitaan dildo arrescate!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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