u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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