what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
