nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize