ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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