Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
