ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
