I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
