my mouth tastes like poor choices
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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