life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
