hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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