my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
