dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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