The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
