last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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