I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
