Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
