Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize