me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
