Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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