I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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