Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
