I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
