you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
