I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
