I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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