I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
