I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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