high people should be assigned attendants
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
