Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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