I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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