I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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