You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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