i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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